Rwanda // part 2

Welcome back to the Rwanda blog! My first blog was focused on explaining the different parts of ministry we did during our time with Hopethiopia/Rwanda, this one will be about what God taught me and has been working in my faith in the past two months. 

When we first got to Rwanda the war in Ukraine was just beginning, the lent season was coming up, and commemoration for the Rwandan genocide was just a month away. There was a lot of human suffering in my view as I learned and lamented over the genocide that took place here in 1994, the apparent genocide taking place in Ukraine currently, and as I sat with Jesus meditating on the suffering He endured for us. If you’ve read my recent blogs then you’ve already gotten a picture of some things I was learning during this season, but I want to share just a bit more. When I first began my time in Rwanda I had a lot of questions from God about what was happening, about the evil in our world, about pain and suffering, about the ways our world has fallen out of right relationship with God. As I prepared for lent I asked God if there was anything He wanted me to give up – He told me to give up confusion. To diligently seek Him in the questions I have and commit to asking Him the things that scared me. I think there’s a lot of times that we have to be content with not fully understanding God and choose to trust God’s character when we can’t wrap our minds around whats happening around us. That’s something I’m pretty good at and that I will continue to hold onto – but in this season I also came to realize that I sometimes hide behind that when there are questions that seem too large. When God asked me to give up confusion He asked me to search Him and know Him in a new way. I had to come face to face with lies and fears that told me if I searched too hard I would find out God wasn’t who He said He is, that my life and love for Him would all be for nothing. Good news is God is faithful and true – I found a deeper love and understanding of His character while I was bringing Him the questions I had about the world around me. To be completely honest, theres a lot of questions I’m leaving this month with still unanswered. The rest of them I’ve just begun finding answers to – but I’m much further along in them because I’ve continually chosen to dedicate my time to seeking God. 

In the blog I wrote about the 1994 Rwandan genocide I talked about choice and how the evil we experience in the world is a reflection of the choices people make to partner with the enemy. I think it’s also important to talk about how choice has a large influence on how we experience and partner with God. We make so many choices every single day. About what we will wear, eat, do with our time, what we want our day or future life to look like, how we will talk to people and respond to things that hurt us. Some of our choices seem bigger and we spend more time on, some we make in an instant. Some are so automatic or ingrained in us due to our past experiences that they feel more like instinct than choices – but ultimately they still are our choice. God’s been showing me throughout my time on the race, and specifically in Rwanda, that who I am and how I operate and the way I experience Him is my choice. I can choose to remain uncertain and fragile in my faith, or I can put in the work to actually know God and His word and His Spirit. I can choose to continue to partner with doubts about myself, with guilt from ways I’ve failed, with insecurity that the world puts on me because I don’t look or live the ways it tells me are good. OR I can choose to stand in the freedom Jesus bought for me and hand over all those things. I can choose to view myself as a new creation in Christ and to act like it. If I want to know more about God or to experience His love in new ways or step into blessings of His Spirit – then I can choose to spend my time drawing near to Him, surrendering all to Him, crying out praise to Him even when there is suffering. It’s a decision we have to make in literally every moment. 

Some mornings I wake up and all I want to do is get in the presence of God, and the choice is easy. Some mornings I wake up and all I want to do is eat breakfast and talk to my friends and get on my phone and go do literally anything else but sit still, and the choice is harder. And sometimes I make a choice away from God – and then I try again. Truthfully, I think the days that the choice is harder and we choose God anyway we grow more, even if it isn’t evident. When I first started this blog I had no clue what I was going to say, but apparently the Holy Spirit wanted me to dwell on this and share it. I’m not leaving this month saying I’m now amazing at choosing God and that I’ve successfully chosen out of all my yucky things – I literally was talking to God today about some things I still am choosing to hold onto that I don’t need. But I am leaving with a new value and understanding of how important it is to seek God diligently and choose what He has for me each day. So here’s my challenge and encouragement: ask God what He wants for you and then choose to hold onto it. Ask yourself who you want to be, the things you want in your family or community, the things you want to know about God – and then chase it and put in the work with God to get there. I’ll be doing it too.